That time I railed 6 Valium

I had all these deep thoughts to get down in text form, and then the Valium kicked in.  A double-edged blade, this drug is.  Sure, it took away the frustration, the angst, the nothingness.  But tonight apparently I needed that to get some writing done.  I'll try to salvage those deep thoughts, purely for your enjoyment.

You know those little happy things in life?  Sunshine on your back, playing with a pet, cuddles from those close to you, a home-cooked meal, any other manner of small pleasure that you could imagine.  Then imagine that you woke up one morning, unable to feel anything.  It's all turned to nothing.  You watch a video of cute kittens: nothing.  You KNOW there should be some sort of emotional reaction to something so familiar and comforting.  But instead there is simply nothing.  A void.  It's very unsettling, realizing that you can't feel what you could a week ago.  You know it will end.  But it's still there.

I have spent the majority of the past 12 hours staring blankly at my computer screen, idly browsing the Internet in the hopes that something will catch my interest long enough to pass a bit of time.  Because that's what my life is right now: passing time.  The faster it goes, the better.  The more time I spend asleep or drugged out of my mind, the better.  All I feel right now (and no, this isn't because of the Valium) is an overwhelming sense of ennui.  It's like all of the good emotions in my head have simply been switched off.  It's probably a defense mechanism.  I hope.

I'll try and list what I CAN feel at the moment:
Frustration
Apathy (does that count as an emotion?)
Loneliness
Despair
Hopelessness

I don't even get the fun negative emotions like anger or envy.  I've forgotten the last time I felt lust, even love for anything is a hard stretch right now.  It really is like someone has infiltrated my mind and turned off the currents running to those nice, happy things.  A month ago, Jeremy offered to increase my meds but I refused because I thought this was something I could work through.  Day by day I begin to doubt my ability to do so even more.  I've gotten back into the patterns of not sleeping for a few days and then spending an entire day in bed trying to recover.  Meals?  Lucky if they're once a day, and I might luck out having vegetables maybe once or twice a week.

At least it doesn't hurt at the moment.  Thank you, mummy's little best friend.

Speaking of best friends, it's been 368 days since mine died.  And I don't think I've gone even a week without thinking of him.

All I can think about right now is how much more Valium it'd take for me to feel happy.


EDIT: Anyone that says railing Valium (or I assume other prescription drugs) makes it work faster/better is a fucking idiot.